I have certain things I think that I am very good at: Math, Science, and things related. There are things that I know I should be good at: counseling, listening, being the best wife and mother, and etc. I think about, should I pursue getting better at these things? Well, the wife and mother goal is unquestionable, but the others, I'm not sure.
Today, I was very disheartened when I learned that I didn't handle certain situations the right way. I did want to make them better, but I just don't know how. I'm not the most sensitive person when it comes to things like that, unfortunately. I feel for people, but I have absolutely no idea how to show that.
For example, tonight, my grandpa was trying to open up to me about my grandma that just passed away. I sat on the phone and heard him cry, but I felt so hindered because I didn't want to cry myself. I felt like I was supposed to be strong in that situation, but inside I wanted to break down like crazy.
Another example: one of my very best friends just went through such a bad time in labor and such. I went to see her, and on the way there I knew that she was upset. She just went through hell, and at that time, I didn't even know the brunt of it. We started to talk and she began to cry as she told the story. Inside, I was holding back the flood of tears that were trying to come out, but again, I felt as though it was inappropriate. She needed me to listen to her and probably give her some kind of encouragement, but I feel like I didn't give her what she needed. I felt ignorant and like a bad friend because I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that I was here for her - I did that to some extent, but why couldn't I show what was really going on inside of me?
So things like this leave me with the question: Is something emotionally wrong with me?
This of course comes with its antithesis. I don't show my emotions well, either. I hold so much inside and normally it just resides there until I have an emotional supernova one day. Most of my friends probably think I am some emotionless ingrate who doesn't feel a thing. I've grown up having to muster the courage through a lot of things in my life, and I've also learned to keep that happy face going through it all. Sometimes I believe I am scared to show the real Brandy for fear that people will judge me for how emotionally hurt I really am.
Then again...do I want people to know?
